We loved Hannah so much! We miss Hannah so much!!
Leaving the Hospital Without Hannah
I had to stop typing on my last post. I just couldn't go on at the moment and I thought the post was really long. I will just finish it in another post. So here is that post.
As were given the gift of being able to bathe Hannah and dress her, diaper her and wrap her in a blanket. I knew after we left the nurses would be unwrapping her to take the footprint mold. But I was ok. I could not stop touching my baby but I was reminding myself that Hannah really is not here on earth anymore but in heaven with Jesus. What is here is her body but her spirit is with Jesus.
As I said last post, I did not take any pictures of Hannah laying there in the bed without her spirit. I tell you how hard it was so see your baby like that. I knowing I will have to leave her there at the hospital soon, plan her funeral and not her therapies. Rick and I just felt like we were in a dream. We could hardly believe this was happening to us. We never dreamed we'd lose a baby to Jesus arms!
The kind nurse gave us all the time we needed with Hannah. I just really could not stop touching Hannah's body. All I wanted to do was scoop her up and run away! The nurse asked if we were ready to leave, she'd walk us out of the hospital. In my mind, why did she want to walk us out, did she think we did not know the way, we'd try to come back and see Hannah again?, we'd go crazy? I wonder at times these things. When both Rick and I were ready and the sweet footprint ornament was ready, we decided we'd go. We gathered all our stuff, computer, clothes, Hannah's blankets and clothes, whatever stuff we had. We gathered it up, in a way I really didn't care about any of it. I'd give up all the material things in this world to have my sweet Hannah back. But that was not God's will. As we walked out of Children's hospital, it was like around 6am, it was still dark and the hospital was still quiet. I guess it was a good time to leave as many people may wonder why I my eyes were so red from crying! Anyway, Rick and I walked out of the hospital and the nurse left us. We were in a fog. I'm not sure how we got to our vehicle, just the act of walking seemed so hard. But we made it to the pick-up. When we got there, Rick needed to call his friend and let him know so he could pass the word on. I felt the strong need to call my mom. I called, I told her and could hardly talk and mom could hardly talk we cried and cried! Mom said she is coming tomorrow. It was so hard to call mom. I then let my friend know so she could pass the word. I told her we cried and cried together. She promised me that she'd let others know. I just couldn't tell everyone. I just couldn't get the words out of my mouth, "Hannah's in heaven with Jesus."
Rick finished his phone call and I was waiting in the pickup for him. We needed to get home to our family! We needed our children in our arms. We head home, it seemed like a long drive home. We got word that our pastor was on his way to Children's but we were not there anymore. He let us know he'd come over to our home. We were ok with that. He had lost his cell phone when my friend was trying to get a hold of him to tell him about how Hannah was in such critical condition. Now she is gone. Anyway, Rick said, "Hannah's with my dad in heaven." I had been thinking that but just couldn't get the words out. I was in a fog!
I hardly remember the drive home beyond the pastors coming and Rick's talking about heaven. We made it home around 7:30ish, the kids at home were just up from bed. Rick's mom had stayed the night. We walk in the room, all sweet little eyes were on daddy and I, they were confused, they must have been thinking where's Hannah? Before they could ask, told them, "Hannah's with Jesus." They all knew what that meant. We all hugged each other in one big hug! We all cried! We hugged for a long time. The only one not there was Martin. After our long family hug and cry, Rick went down to Martin who was in his bedroom and told him. They cried together. The kids all knew Hannah's life was special, we were open about Hannah's special needs. They knew she may not live very long but they were not ready to give her up to Jesus. They loved and enjoyed having Hannah and caring for her. We are in a fog! What do you do when you just lost a baby.
Rick's mom made us breakfast with Cassie. We ate breakfast and then sat on the couch and did not move. Terri Lynn fell asleep on me and I felt like this was a gift from Jesus. He knew I needed a child on me. It was healing to have her sleeping on me.
The pastor came, we went to the funeral home but I don't remember much of it.
As were given the gift of being able to bathe Hannah and dress her, diaper her and wrap her in a blanket. I knew after we left the nurses would be unwrapping her to take the footprint mold. But I was ok. I could not stop touching my baby but I was reminding myself that Hannah really is not here on earth anymore but in heaven with Jesus. What is here is her body but her spirit is with Jesus.
As I said last post, I did not take any pictures of Hannah laying there in the bed without her spirit. I tell you how hard it was so see your baby like that. I knowing I will have to leave her there at the hospital soon, plan her funeral and not her therapies. Rick and I just felt like we were in a dream. We could hardly believe this was happening to us. We never dreamed we'd lose a baby to Jesus arms!
The kind nurse gave us all the time we needed with Hannah. I just really could not stop touching Hannah's body. All I wanted to do was scoop her up and run away! The nurse asked if we were ready to leave, she'd walk us out of the hospital. In my mind, why did she want to walk us out, did she think we did not know the way, we'd try to come back and see Hannah again?, we'd go crazy? I wonder at times these things. When both Rick and I were ready and the sweet footprint ornament was ready, we decided we'd go. We gathered all our stuff, computer, clothes, Hannah's blankets and clothes, whatever stuff we had. We gathered it up, in a way I really didn't care about any of it. I'd give up all the material things in this world to have my sweet Hannah back. But that was not God's will. As we walked out of Children's hospital, it was like around 6am, it was still dark and the hospital was still quiet. I guess it was a good time to leave as many people may wonder why I my eyes were so red from crying! Anyway, Rick and I walked out of the hospital and the nurse left us. We were in a fog. I'm not sure how we got to our vehicle, just the act of walking seemed so hard. But we made it to the pick-up. When we got there, Rick needed to call his friend and let him know so he could pass the word on. I felt the strong need to call my mom. I called, I told her and could hardly talk and mom could hardly talk we cried and cried! Mom said she is coming tomorrow. It was so hard to call mom. I then let my friend know so she could pass the word. I told her we cried and cried together. She promised me that she'd let others know. I just couldn't tell everyone. I just couldn't get the words out of my mouth, "Hannah's in heaven with Jesus."
Rick finished his phone call and I was waiting in the pickup for him. We needed to get home to our family! We needed our children in our arms. We head home, it seemed like a long drive home. We got word that our pastor was on his way to Children's but we were not there anymore. He let us know he'd come over to our home. We were ok with that. He had lost his cell phone when my friend was trying to get a hold of him to tell him about how Hannah was in such critical condition. Now she is gone. Anyway, Rick said, "Hannah's with my dad in heaven." I had been thinking that but just couldn't get the words out. I was in a fog!
I hardly remember the drive home beyond the pastors coming and Rick's talking about heaven. We made it home around 7:30ish, the kids at home were just up from bed. Rick's mom had stayed the night. We walk in the room, all sweet little eyes were on daddy and I, they were confused, they must have been thinking where's Hannah? Before they could ask, told them, "Hannah's with Jesus." They all knew what that meant. We all hugged each other in one big hug! We all cried! We hugged for a long time. The only one not there was Martin. After our long family hug and cry, Rick went down to Martin who was in his bedroom and told him. They cried together. The kids all knew Hannah's life was special, we were open about Hannah's special needs. They knew she may not live very long but they were not ready to give her up to Jesus. They loved and enjoyed having Hannah and caring for her. We are in a fog! What do you do when you just lost a baby.
Rick's mom made us breakfast with Cassie. We ate breakfast and then sat on the couch and did not move. Terri Lynn fell asleep on me and I felt like this was a gift from Jesus. He knew I needed a child on me. It was healing to have her sleeping on me.
The pastor came, we went to the funeral home but I don't remember much of it.
I John 3:2-3
2 Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. 3 And everyone who has this hope in Him purifies himself, just as He is pure.
Love you forever Hannah, Sandi Kwant (Hannah's mommy)
I completely understand how hard it was for you to leave Hannah. I held Lilly one last time after her viewing and it was the hardest thing I ever did to put her body down and leave. One day our little girls will welcome us and we will be with them forever. Until then we have to lean on God and get through each day and love our other children and share our girls stories with anyone who will listen. May God continue to bless you all and comfort you.
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