The Last Few Hours: Day 64 (2/8/11)

This picture was taken by Martin with his cell phone

Another cell phone picture! I did not take any pictures of Hannah in the PICU.  It broke my heart to see her like that and I did not want to remember her that way.  I will never forgot her time in the PICU!

The Last Few Hours

We were sleeping so soundly in the sleep rooms provided by Children's for parents of kids in the ICU units of Children's.  Suddenly, we got awakened by the loud sound of the pagers.  Oh man this does not look good.  We had only been in the room for about an hour and a half!  We rush out of the sleep room as quickly as we could go.  We put our clothes on and we leave nothing in the room.  We just didn't know if we'd be back. 

We rush to floor 3. The check in desk excepted us to arrive and they let us right into the PICU unit where Hannah's room was.  There were several nurses and doctors and respiratory therapists in her room.  It looked like Hannah was getting alot of care and very good attention.  The head doctor comes straight over to us.  He did not beat around the bush he said it straight up.  He said, "Hannah is in very critical condition. Her heart rate dropped again and we were barely able to save her this time.  If her heart rate drops again.  We will lose her on the table.  You can decide to hold her if you want and let her pass in your arms."  I was numb. I was shocked. How can we just give up on our baby?  How can we let our baby go?  What my mind could not think.  I'm not ready. I want my baby fixed so we can take her home!  What she had could not be fixed.  The only way she can get fixed is her going to heaven. She will be whole and complete there. 

Rick and I were allowed to go by Hannah's bed side.  We stood there talking to her,  we focused 100% of our attention on our baby.  We just loved her. We watched the nurses a bit but not much.  We wanted very minute we could with Hannah.  I was not ready to let her go. But then I was afraid to have her die on the table too.  I was torn inside.  I was crying out to God!  Rick and I needed each other and God.  It was in the middle of the night we did not call anyone,  we just focused on Hannah.  She was doing great laying there with no heart rate drops.  Finally, Maggie Hannah's awesome nurse decided to go for lunch.  She actually skipped her lunch earlier as Hannah was so unstable.  Maggie only took a very short lunch. She knew Hannah may need her.  I think we had the best nurse in the hospital attending to Hannah.  She was focused on my baby.  The nurse that came in while Maggie was a lunch for a bit. She was compassionate.  I think they brought her in to help us as we had to let Hannah go somehow.  I forget her name.  But I loved how she talked about Hannah.  She loved Hannah.  We could feel that.  I don't know but 3 hours went by quickly. 

Finally, I quietly told Rick, I was ready to let Hannah go.  I just didn't want her to die on the table I wanted her in my arms.  Rick was not ready yet.  He needed more time.  I was ok.  I just wanted Hannah in my arms too.  I missed having her in my arms.  For 64 days I had Hannah always in my arms.  Now she is on the crib all hooked up to all kinds of crazy life-saving things.  Her face didn't look right.  Her kidneys were not working and she was looking bloated.  Her lips were all tied up with the breathing tube.  Her arms and legs had monitors and IV's connected to her.  She had a central line put in.  I did not take any pictures and the pictures in my mind still make me cry. I did not want to have the kids know how Hannah looked here at the end and I did not want to remember it but I probably will not forget it. 

It took Rick and I a long while to tell the nurse we were ready to hold her while she went to Jesus.  All the nurses and doctors were supportive.  They worked so hard to save it and it hurts them so much to lose a child.  We really had no choice, Hannah's lungs and heart just were not working together correctly and there was nothing we or the doctors could do.  I had peace that we did everything we could to save her. We made sure the doctors and nurses knew we valued her life even though the world saw her as less than perfect.  We saw her as perfect just as God had ordained from the beginning.  The kind and compassionate nurse who was with Hannah constantly while the Maggie the most excellent nurse went to lunch,  she started talking to us as she took off the tubes and cords that were not necessary.  She constantly told us how special Hannah was and how much we loved her and how sweet she was.  We stayed by Hannah's side during this time of transition as the cords and what not were taken off.  The only thing that remained was her breathing tube at the end.  The nurse took like a half hour to slowly and kindly and respectfully take the stuff off Hannah.  I was so thankful for her kindness and respect toward Hannah, Rick and I. 

The nurses and doctors kindly let us sit with Hannah for over an hour. Crying so much talking with Hannah.  touching her face, arms, legs, toes.  and whatever place we could.  Rick wanted to hold her by himself for a bit.  I handed her over to him.  He needed to have her in his arms too.  It was so neat to me to see my husband be so tender to her. He loved her so much!  The doctor came in to check Hannah's heart, he needed to so he could write down the time of death on his paperwork. He was kind gentle and respectful as he did this.   We were allowed to sit with Hannah in our arms as long as we needed to. The nurse would check on us once in a while. She told us when we were ready we could give Hannah a bath and put clothes on her and wrap her in a blanket.  I had no idea that this is something I could do now for Hannah.   We still continued to hold Hannah, I did not want to let her go.  I wanted my baby in my arms.  We cried.  It was so hard!  Finally, we were ready to wash Hannah up and then cloth her.  The nurse got all the stuff ready for us to give her a bath.  I gave Hannah a sponge bath. It was weird as I knew Hannah's spirit was not there anymore.  She was in heaven and not here on earth anymore.  There was another nurse who wanted to make a couple memory items of Hannah's feet.  She made an ornament with Hannah's feet prints.  They also made a mold of Hannah's feet.  She the picture below. 

I will continue this post as we leave the hospital. And explain how hard leaving was! 

Ephesians 2:5-7

⁵ even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), ⁶ and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, ⁷ that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.

Love, Sandi Kwant (Hannah's mommy)